


I'd Scream At You If I Could

by 2_Ava



Series: Hear Me Out Universe [3]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Deaf Character, Deaf!Roger, Happy Ending, I'm just so bad at tagging, John and Roger are established, M/M, One Shot, Some Fluff, but not really, send help, so spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 06:21:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18255527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2_Ava/pseuds/2_Ava
Summary: In the heat of preparing another album, Freddie and Roger butt heads - hard. It gives the boys a moment to reflect on how Roger’s deafness not so selfishly effects them.Hear Me Out Universe // AKA Deaf!Roger





	I'd Scream At You If I Could

**Author's Note:**

> Here's another one-shot - thank you for all the love on the previous one. I also just wanted to say a huge thank-you for over 10,000 hits on the main - you are all incredible. 
> 
> Note: John and Roger are established in this (that’s not really spoilers, you knew where the main story was going y’all), but I’m not going too far into the relationship itself so that you can watch that be fleshed out in the main - it’s just a couple of bits that hint at them being adorable lol. I should have probably posted this once the main was closer to finished, but I just couldn’t wait oops.

“I think it needs to be a bit slower.” John said softly. “But it doesn’t sound bad fast.” He added meekly. It was one of the few things John had uttered all rehearsal. They were in the process of writing their next album, so they could start recording the following month. The first album had done well enough to warrant some rationally-backed ambition, so they were all seemingly more invested than before - even John found himself caring a little more than before. But because of said investment, everyone was starting to get a little tense with one another. Brian and Freddie had been butting heads all morning, and John was quickly coming to the conclusion that this was not how he wanted to spend his Saturday. 

_If we play it as slowly as you are, we’re going to put people to sleep._ Roger signed to John. John wanted to mention that they were all playing that slowly, but he knew Roger could only hear him, so it would have been frivolous. 

“But, I think everyone else wants to do it slower, Rog.” John said softly, not letting his voice go about a carefully placed whisper, unlike the other two who had been near screaming at each other all morning. Roger huffed at John’s statement - he wasn’t angry; perhaps more annoyed that no one was siding with him. 

_Fred; are you seriously telling me you want to sing it that slowly?_ Roger signed; John could see the way Freddie’s shoulders were tense, raised slightly to his neck. 

“It sounds good.” Freddie reasoned, his voice a little strained - perhaps from all the yelling, John thought. 

_No it doesn’t._ Roger signed back, eyes wide and matter-of-fact. 

“I said it _sounds_ good.” Freddie retorted, making slow of how me signed ‘sounds’. John felt his face distort a little. Freddie and Roger made those sorts of jokes with each other often, but considering he felt he could grasp at the tension in the air, he was worried it might be too much. 

_Well, it feels shit then._ Roger signed, now standing from his drums, as if that was going to help him make a point. John could see the way Freddie’s entire body tensed up; he looked about ready to explode - and then he did.

“What would you know? How can you honestly get to have an opinion – you can’t even hear the damn things!” Freddie snapped, the room falling uncomfortably silent afterwards. John was thanking every lucky star above that Freddie had been so fuelled by anger and frustration that he’d forgotten to sign. Despite that, there was now an even tenser atmosphere in the air that suggested Roger had a fair idea of what had clearly been yelled at him. 

_What’d you say?_ Roger signed tentatively, his face already settled into a small frown, his brows furrowed angrily. 

“Roger…” Freddie said softly, trying to immediately diffuse the situation. 

_What did you say, Freddie?_ Roger asked again, this time with more malice in his signing and expression as he took a few small, rigid steps towards the older man. 

“Roger, I-” Freddie was clearly still trying to reason - to backtrack himself out of the corner he was metaphorically standing in. But, he was swiftly cut off by Roger’s signing. 

_Fucking tell me what you said. Don’t try and tell me you didn’t say something - I’m not an idiot. Man up and tell me what you said._ Roger signed manically. John hadn’t actually seen Roger get really angry that many times in the last 9 months; but when he did see it - it hit him somewhere deep in his belly. There was something about watching Roger get so physically mad; John knew he wanted to yell and scream - knew he wanted to be able to express how angry he was like he watched everyone else do. For John, it was almost like watching Roger trapped inside some other creature; John knew Roger was articulate. He’d watched him sign entire monologues that ventured into realms of intricacies that John couldn’t even comprehend, all while they were laying in bed in the morning - before John had even uttered a word himself. But, there was something about being angry - especially for someone as emotionally charged as Roger - that almost _requires_ yelling. He’d seen Roger grumble and groan out little noises when he was getting frustrated or fed up - that was different, though. Roger wanted to yell and scream words. He could see in Roger’s face when he was bright red and fuming that he wanted to fire cuss words and digs so violently from his mouth that spit flew across the room. Except, that he didn’t, though. Roger didn’t _want_ to speak - because he could and simply didn’t; Roger wanted to be _able_ to speak - like everyone around him did. Roger mightn’t admit it so unabashedly, but John wasn’t an idiot. John had seen the way that Peter was so proud of being deaf - he had no reason not to be. But, it was the way that he was so content with the way he lived, simply because he’d never had anyone around him suggest another life would be any better – Roger hadn’t been granted such luxury. Roger wasn’t ashamed of being deaf - not by any means, but John could see when they all sat around casually playing music, or when jokes on television shows without subtitles had them all laughing - John could see it in the bright blue eyes of the smaller man that part of him - even if only the tiniest part - wanted to at least know what it was like. John obviously didn’t share such convoluted theories with the others, but he was sure they had theories of their own - Roger was a more than complex human being, after all. Sometimes, John had even tried to gauge just how much the others theorised. 

**”I think Roger can sing.” John stated simply, glancing at Brian and Freddie from his place leaning against the - somewhat grubby - motel kitchen bench kitchen bench. Roger was still asleep, not that it particularly mattered if they talked about him in his presence - it just seemed in poorer taste.**

**“What?” Brian chuckled, sipping his tea from the dining table**

**“What on earth are you talking about, dear?” Freddie smirked, turning around in his chair to glance at John with pure disbelief.**

**“I’m serious!” John said loudly, a wide smile on his face. “When he’s making those little grunts and noises that he doesn’t even realise he’s making – they’re almost melodic. I feel like under different circumstances, Roger would be such a good singer” John mumbled**

**“Trust me, dear. If Roger could sing - he would. I often think he’s disappointed at not being able to hear himself talk - him and his big head.” Freddie chuckled, causing both the other men to roll their eyes.**

**“Says you.” Brian smirked, waving Freddie off as he stuck his tongue out at Brian. John had settled back into the bench, precarious of leaning his head on the wall he wasn’t sure had ever been cleaned. Not seconds after, a rather unkempt looking Roger made his way through the door of the room where he and John had slept the night prior.**

**_How long have you all been awake?_ Roger signed sleepily, his eyes almost entirely shut. **

**“Not long.” Brian said softly, an amused smile on his face - likely at the state of Roger. The blonde shuffled in his socks to the kitchen, where he practically hovered himself into John’s chest. John chuckled softly, pre-emptively raising his cup of tea to ensure it didn’t collide with Roger’s forehead. John carefully wrapped his free arm around Roger - he’d be lying if he said he was completely used to how much Roger liked physical affection. John leant back a little to look at Roger, who had shut his eyes again and was practically sleeping against John’s chest. John carded a gentle hard through Roger’s hair, before carefully manoeuvring Roger’s face so that he was looking at John.**

**“Wake up, sleepy head.” John whispered, pressing a quick kiss to Roger’s forehead. Roger smiled blissfully, before turning around so his back was pressed to John’s chest. John watched as Roger reached behind him to grab the mug currently floating in John’s hand above his head. He swiftly removed it from John’s grip and brought it to his lips, grasping it tightly between his nimble fingers. John scoffed playfully, leaning down to place his chin on Roger’s shoulder. “That’s mine.” He whispered, pressing his lips close enough to Roger’s ear so that, even though he couldn’t hear John, he could feel his breath and the vibrations of his speech.**

**“John thinks you can sing, Rog.” Brian signed, an amused look on his face. John could feel Roger chuckle in his arms, before the shorter man turned to look up at him. John gave Roger a shy smile, before shrugging, trying to play it off. Roger took a quick step away, holding out the stolen cup of coffee for John to take off of him. Once his hands were free, he made a point of adopting a power stance - not dissimilar to when Freddie is on stage. He placed one finger up to his ear and made a silly face as he “sang”. It was all ridiculously foolish, but the three men made a point of glancing at each other. Roger may have been deaf; but he wasn’t tone deaf - not by a long shot. Sure, he wasn’t trying to keep pitch with anything - that was something he certainly couldn’t do - but he could most certainly hold a note. John smirked a little smugly, glad to see he wasn’t entirely incorrect.**

**“That was actually impressive.” Freddie beamed, sitting backwards on one of the wonky dining chairs. Roger was standing in the centre of the trio, looking largely confused by all the shocked and deliriously pensive stares he was receiving.**

**“But it’s not like he could actually hold a tune.” Brian stated, trying to calm the clearly excited Freddie.**

**“He could try - or we could just hold whatever tune Roger is playing.” Freddie chuckled, clearly joking.**

**“So we’re just going to play whatever note comes out of Roger’s mouth - I get we’re going for experimental, but that’s where I draw the line.” Brian said, rolling his eyes at Freddie trying to wave off his rationality.**

**“It’s just a bit of fun, Brian - don’t worry.” John said softly, gesturing for - a still very confused - Roger to come back to his original place flushed against John. “It sounded nice.” John signed, peering down at Roger, who looked at him like he’d just burped out an alien. “Honest.” John whispered, before pressing a careful kiss to Roger’s lips.**

John felt like he could have played through their entire set list by the time Freddie opened his mouth to answer. 

“It’s really not important.” Freddie whispered, his signing meek and clearly uncomfortable. 

_Fred – if you respect me… you’ll tell me what you said._ Roger signed, the tears already accumulating in his eyes. 

“I said…” Freddie began, sniffling back his own tears. “I said, how can you get to have an opinion when you can’t even hear the damn things.” Freddie spoke and signed tentatively; it was clear the words felt so much bitterer coming out of Freddie’s mouth the second time. Roger nodded quickly, stepping out of the way of the three of them as he dropped his drum sticks on the floor, making his way quickly out the door. Once he was gone, the three of them exchanged glances, Freddie looking so broken up that John couldn’t even force himself to be mad. 

“Good job, Fred.” Brian muttered angrily, already in the process of removing his guitar strap. 

“Don’t have a go at him.” John mumbled, also removing his bass. 

“Are you joking?” Brian sputtered. “If anyone should be going off on him – it’s you, right? Or, do you not really care?” He spat, starting to walk away. 

“It was a heat of the moment, Brian. It could have been any one of us.” John said seriously, eyeing Brian harshly when he turned back around. 

“No.” Brian said; his voice low and concerned. “It couldn’t have.” He swiftly disappeared through the doors Roger had. John turned quickly to Freddie. 

“Fred-“ He began, only to be quickly cut off. 

“I think I just need a moment; if you’ll excuse me, dear.” Freddie whispered, before pushing past John and out the same door the other two had just disappeared through. John stared at that god forsaken door, wondering whether he should just follow them and take all the dramatics outside. He decided on doing exactly the opposite; he didn’t move. He sat on the chair immediately in front of him and waited. He knew that Brian could – and would – handle whatever Roger was feeling; and he’d more than likely want to do so, on his own. He also knew Freddie would talk eventually; he simply needed a few minutes to pity himself before he allowed John to talk him back onto his own pedestal. So, he waited; he leant back into his chair and cast his eyes on the old and salt-damp ridden ceiling. He thought about the first and so far only time he had been caught in the crossfire of Freddie and Roger’s more explosive arguments. They had been having a blow up about John, in fact. Roger had been distracting John while he and Freddie were trying to write a new song and it ended up far more heated than necessary. 

**_He’s my boyfriend_ Roger signed stubbornly, twisting his face in a mix of anger and frustration. **

**“Well, he was our bassist first.” Freddie said defiantly.**

**_Exactly; our – meaning partially mine._ Roger signed, moving between John and Freddie. **

**“Roger – please let us work. You two can eye fuck each other some other time. In fact, once I leave; I’m sure you can actually fuck each other.” Freddie chuckled. John became visibly uncomfortable; at that point, he and Roger hadn’t even thought about sex – well he hadn’t thought about.**

**_You’re just jealous that someone actually wants to fuck me._ Roger snapped back. Normally such jibs would have the other biting back, ending in laughter and a pint, but Freddie had just gotten out of the closest thing to a relationship he’d ever seen, and was rather beat up about it. That’s when all hell broke loose in John’s dorm room – that’s when it started.**

That’s how it always started. Freddie and Roger going about insulting each other the way they always did – digging at each other’s insecurities – because they knew the other really loved them – until they accidentally hit the wrong soft spot, and things went up in flames. This time was a little different though, John figured. This time, Freddie had uttered something he knew immediately, would hurt Roger – it wasn’t an accident. It was an accident that he got angry enough to let the words come out of his mouth, but it wasn’t an accident that they existed – deep down, they were what Freddie thought. 

John wasn’t sure how long he’d been staring at the ceiling; but in however long, no one had returned to their practice room. It was still eerily silent, and the air was still tense, even when it was only John. John pushed himself begrudgingly from the chair, making a huffed noise as he did so. He ventured out that dreaded door, to see Freddie sitting just outside, all on his lonesome. John let out a shaky sigh; the sight of the most vibrant person he knew, looking colourless was breaking his heart. As he sat, Freddie glanced over at him, before letting out a less than steady sigh of his own. 

“I’m sorry.” Freddie whispered, it clear that he had come outside and had a bit of a cry. 

“Now, you know better than nearly anyone that you shouldn’t be apologising to me.” John whispered, pushing himself over to that he was sitting shoulder to shoulder with Freddie. 

“I know!” Freddie groaned, bringing his hands up into his hair. “But… I just needed to get it out – to properly verbalise it.” Freddie stated quietly, before letting his gaze fall back onto the ground. John let his arm snake around Freddie’s midsection. They remained silent for a short while, until John felt Freddie shift slightly beneath him. “Don’t you ever wish it was just a little different?” Freddie began, his voice so emotionally charged that John had to swallow the lump in his throat. “Don’t you ever just want to grab him and say what you want to say, without all of this…” Freddie muttered, let his hands flail around for a half-a-second before bringing them back to run down his face. “I feel like such a horrible person for thinking it.” Freddie muttered. “But, I honestly feel like we’re robbing Roger of entire conversations, because to be fair… I can’t be assed signing sometimes – and I know that’s awful.” Freddie whispered, his words seemingly getting caught in his throat.

“It is…” John mumbled, causing Freddie to gaze aimlessly at the ground again. “But, you’re not alone. Do you know how much I would like to hug my boyfriend, and talk to him at the same time.” John admitted, receiving a somewhat grateful smile from Freddie. “But it doesn’t mean I wish Roger was any different.” Freddie nodded before leaning his head on John’s shoulder. 

“I don’t know how Brian does it.” He muttered, exhaling loudly. 

“You’re telling me – I’m the one taking over.” John chuckled softly, resting his head on top of Freddie’s

“You’re making it sound like you’re in it for the long haul, Deaky.” Freddie laughed, moving a little for hesitantly when he didn’t sense the laughter returned. “John; that’s a bit… it’s been what – 6 months?” Freddie questioned, now looking at him dead on with a concerned look. “You’re only 21.” Freddie muttered, his brows furrowed tightly. 

“I know!” John said quickly, his hand raised in a calming motion. “I’m not saying I’ve got plans to run off and elope with Roger… but, even if we broke up tomorrow – I’m in it for the long haul.” John smiled softly. “That is – unless you kick me out the band.” He added, chuckling 

“If you and Roger break up, you’re gone.” Freddie said dead-pan, but with a smirk spread across his large mouth. 

“Very funny.” John muttered, giving Freddie a light nudge, a smirk on his face also. 

“I think we’d get rid of Roger before we got rid of you.” Freddie chuckled, leaning back to rest on his hands behind him. 

“No you wouldn’t.” John whispered, a wide smile on his face; he knew Freddie – Freddie loved Roger. 

“You’re right – we wouldn’t. I guess you just can’t break up… need to avoid any drama.” Freddie grinned, gazing off into the distance as the rows upon rows of university housing that surrounded the auditorium. 

“So…” John began, chuckling. “Sounds like I’m in it for the long haul.” He smirked, eyeing Freddie with a cheeky look that he was sure he inherited from Roger or Freddie – or a combination of the two of them. 

“I really did make that far more complicated than it needed to be.” Freddie chuckled, rolling his eyes at himself. 

“I expect nothing less, Mr Mercury.” John teased playfully, leaning into Freddie. 

“You can call me Mr Mercury anytime, darling.” Freddie retorted, his wide smile evident in his speech. 

“I wouldn’t – my boyfriend might get angry and try to kick your ass.” John teased, his smile fading when he felt Freddie tense up. 

“I think he’s already angry at me.” Freddie muttered. John sighed heavily, pushing himself up for the second time in 5 minutes – which he wasn’t happy about. 

“C’mon – get up. There’s no use moaning and squabbling; we’ll never get anything done if all you two are going to do is bitch at each other.” John said, holding out a hand to Freddie. Once the older man had taken his hand, John began dragging him along the paths. Despite Freddie’s questions and complaints, John shushed him and continued, until he found a pair of heads – one sandy blonde, and the other a mop of curls. John smiled widely and pulled Freddie – practically skipping – over to the two men. John released Freddie’s hand just as he reached them, and made haste in wrapping his arms tightly around Roger. Roger startled for a moment, but immediately calmed when he saw that it was John behind him. He quickly snuggled into his boyfriend; John could see that his eyes were red and puffy, and he made quick work of fluttering a kiss over both lids. At the same moment, he turned Roger carefully, so that when he awoke from his kisses, he was face-to-face with Freddie. There was a still moment – a moment of discomfort that surrounded the four of them, until Roger broke a smile. 

_It bothers you that I give my opinion on songs I can’t hear. It bothers me that you’ve never once asked me to write with you – but that’s where we differ. If you don’t want me to have input – just say so; I’m happy just being a drummer._ Roger signed. _I still love you._ He chuckled softly. Freddie returned the chuckle, clearly expelling a nervously held breath. 

“I love you too.” He signed in response. “I want you to have input, Roger. I’m sorry I’ve never asked you to write with us… I didn’t think it was something you connected with.” Freddie signed earnestly. Roger nodded in response for a moment. 

_I’ve got lyrics – can’t sing them… or play guitar to them; but, I’ve got lyrics._ Roger smirked, receiving slightly surprised looks from all three of them. Freddie gave him a salute of a nod. 

“I’m sorry, again.” Freddie whispered, taking a careful step closer to Roger. 

_Hug?_ Roger signed, a loving smile on his face. 

“How about we make it a group hug, dear?” Freddie signed, glancing at the two other men. Roger, almost immediately, pulled Brian and John down to where he was sitting, holding them tightly as Freddie laid himself over the three of them. As much as John detested being this close to one person – let alone three people; he felt like he had found a forever in Queen.


End file.
